Dancing with the Stars

I've learned two things from watching Dancing with the Stars:
1. That watching a television show can actually make you dumber in one sitting.
2. Mel B. turns out not to be the guy from the sitcom "Alice."

Paris Hilton Interview From Jail

SAHD: Paris, thank you for agreeing to see me during your visiting hour today.

PH: It's my pleasure. You have a beautiful baby.

SAHD: Thanks, she's a handful. Now, Paris, in retrospect, do you regret drinking and driving?

PH: I love Cosmohitos.

SAHD: So, how are you doing in here?

PH: Not so great. I'm really not used to staying in less than 5 star accommodations. I remember when I was filming "The Simple Life," Nicole and I had to stay in some crappy places, but at least we were able to bring a lot more of the comforts of good living to those locations than they allow here.

SAHD: What kinds of comforts do you miss most?

PH: The biggest adjustment has been not getting my daily Brazilian wax and seal-oil massage. And, they don't have bottle service here.

SAHD: I've never understood that bottle service thing. Doesn't that encourage you to drink a lot more than you otherwise would?

PH: Hmmm, I never thought about that. But its a lot better than having to constantly call a waitress for a new drink each time one spills.

SAHD: Do you spill a lot of drinks?

PH: I don't know. What do you consider a lot?

SAHD: Let's put it this way - how much money do you think you spend on spilled drinks on an average night out?

PH: I really couldn't tell you.

SAHD: Take a guess.

PH: This is fun. What will you give me if I guess right?

SAHD: How about a kiss?

PH: I knew you were going to say that. Tongue or no tongue?

SAHD: Paris, I'm married, so I'd better say no tongue.

PH: Come on, I'm sure your wife won't mind. Why don't you text her and ask?

SAHD: You know what, you're probably right. So let's say, if you guess within a hundred dollars, I'll give you a kiss with tongue.

PH: Okay, cool. So, I have to guess. This is hard..... All right - I'm going to guess eight hundred dollars. No, wait: nine hundred.

SAHD: Final answer?

PH: Yes, nine hundred.

SAHD: Exactly right!!!

PH: Seriously? I got it exactly right?

SAHD: Yup. Right on the money.

PH: That's so hot.

SAHD: That is hot.

PH: Okay then stud, You gotta pay up.

SAHD: Okay, first let me get a guard to hold the baby.

PH: Guard, Guard.

G: Yes Miss Hilton?

PH: I'd like you to hold a baby for my guest.

G: Certainly Miss Hilton.

PH: All right, close your eyes.

SAHD: Is it okay if I keep them open?

PH: No way - I'm not wearing any make-up.

SAHD: All right. You ready?

PH And SAHD: (kissing noises)

PH: Wow, you're a good kisser.

SAHD: I'd be even better if it weren't for this glass wall.

PH: I think the glass wall between us is hot.

PH And SAHD: (more kissing noises; longer duration)

PH: Let's go back to my room.

SAHD: I have a feeling that's not allowed.

PH: At least text her and ask.

SAHD: No, I mean that the prison probably won't allow us to go to your room.

PH: See, this is just what I mean about staying in a less than 5 star accomodation.

SAHD: Paris, I'm going to have to leave. I didn't bring another bottle of formula and I'm gonna have to feed this kid soon.

PH: Let's ask the guard if he can bring you some.

SAHD: Thanks, but I have a feeling that's not going to work out. I'd better get going. It was very nice meeting with you though. Thank you very much for the interview.

PH: Sure. Let's get together sometime very soon. I'll have my assistant schedule something with you.

SAHD: Sounds great. Good luck getting through the rest of your time here.

PH: You know, you're not supposed to say it that way. I know because my family is in the business. You're supposed to say, "I hope you enjoy the rest of your stay with us."

SAHD: Okay. Well, good-bye.

PH: Ciao.

Open letter to Angelina Jolie

To whom it may concern (only Angelina Jolie),

Now that you are going to be a stay-at-home parent, I was thinking that we should really hang out. I'm here everyday stay-at-home-parenting, and although I have only one kid to contend with, and you will have four, if we were to get together for a few play dates, it would be like one adult for every 2.5 kids, which is not so bad. I figure I can take care of Maeve (you'll like her, she's Asian) and Pax, and you can take care of Shiloh and Zahara, and we'll let Maddox watch TV, or we can drop him off at Chuck-E-Cheese (they have a room full of plastic balls that will keep him entertained for hours). It would be way too hard for the two of us to take care of all five kids, so without Maddox, we'll be fine. These are the kinds of tips I can share with you as I've been doing this a little longer than you.

Are you still breast-feeding Shiloh? If you are, that's cool, because I'm immuned to seeing that sort of thing - I saw it alot with Maeve and Maeve's mother. I'm actually pretty good at helping out during the feedings.

Also, I thought I'd mention that there are a few Vietnamese restaurants in the area that deliver in case Pax doesn't like sandwiches. By the way, you might think about changing that one's name. I have a feeling that in a few years, some of the other kids at school would have a field day with the nick-names (Tam-pax and Chicken-pax, just to name a few). We may want to rethink the Jolie as well. But we'll have plenty of time to talk about all of that later.

So, just post a comment on this page (I'll start reading the comments) and we can arrange it. Also please include a phone number in the comment, so we can "talk privately" about the kids, snack foods, diaper preferences, etc.

Howard K. Stern: "I really didn't kill Anna Nicole" Interview - March 5, 2007

SAHD: Hello Howard. Thank you for coming here and meeting with me.

Howard K: Its my pleasure. You have a lovely apartment. Would it be okay if I used your bathroom?

SAHD: Of course. Just go straight through the bedroom. You can't miss it.

Howard K: Thanks. I'll be right back.

(20 minutes later)

SAHD: Before we get started, can I offer you something to drink? Some water? juice? tea?

Howard K: No thanks; I'm fine. But can I offer you something: a valium, vicodin, perhaps a perkasete?

SAHD: Okay, maybe a perkasete.

Howard K: Here, take two.

SAHD: Thank you. So, how have you been doing since the death of Anna Nicole?

Howard K: Very busy. I can't tell you how many meetings with lawyers, business deals and interviews I've done in the past few weeks. Its been awful. A lot of hard work.

SAHD: A lot of people believe that you are a gold digger, just in this for the money, and that you aren't even Danielynn's real father.

Howard K: That is ridiculous. I don't care at all about the money. I just want what's best for my little Dannielynn. I just want to be able to take care of that beautiful baby.

SAHD: I suppose you are going to "take care" of Dannielynn the same way you "took care" of Anna Nicole and her son Daniel?

Howard K: I resent that! I took the best possible care of Daniel and Anna Nicole! I watched over them the way a lioness watches over her cubs. Its not my fault that they both took far too many prescription pills every single day and then died.

SAHD: You killed them! You killed them!! You are sinister! You are vermin!

Howard K: Calm down. I love you. Have some valium. and some vicodin. and a little single malt scotch.

SAHD: Thanks. I feel a lot better.

Howard K: Look, as one stay-at-home-Dad to another, I'd like to assure you that all I care about is the proper care and nuture of my little girl. I really didn't kill Anna Nicole and I also didn't kill Daniel. Its just a bad coincidence that the people around me tend to die for mysterious reasons.

SAHD: Great, well then, I think I've heard enough of your lies, lets wrap this up. Again I thank you for coming here and doing this. And here is your 200 dollars.

Howard K: What is that?

SAHD: Its your 200 dollars - your fee for the interview.

Howard K: My fee is two hundred thousand dollars.

SAHD: When I asked you on the phone how much you get for an interview, you said, "two hundred."

Howard K: Yeah, two hundred THOUSAND. TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND FUCKING DOLLARS!

SAHD: BUT YOU SAID "TWO HUNDRED!"

Howard K: I assumed you understood that I meant two hundred thousand. What kind of idiot are you that you would think Howard K. Stern would do an interview for two-fucking-hundred lousy dollars?

SAHD: Well, I was surprised at how reasonable it was, but that is what you said. I said, "What do you get for an interview?" and you said,"two hundred." That's exactly what you said.

Howard K: Jesus Christ! Look, everyone in the industry knows that when I say an interview costs 200, that I'm asking for two hundred-thousand dollars.

SAHD: Well I'm sorry, but 200 is all I have. And that is what you're going to get.

Howard K: Listen dude, I'm gonna fucking sue your ass. I'm suing you for everything you have. I'm suing you, your baby, your employers, Blogger, Blogspot, and Google. Believe me, you haven't heard the last of this.

SAHD: You want the $200 or not?

Howard K: Just give it to me.

Sex and the Stay-at-home-Dad

Being a stay at home Dad is not like it is in the movies. I really thought it was going to be all wild parties, spa treatments, drinking absinthe and having sex with celebrities. It turns out this is a myth, possibly put out there to trick innocent people into becoming primary care givers to small children. These cretins don't tell you about a certain hidden reality: something that I call "child care." You'd be surprised how much time I have to spend doing "child care." In fact, since I've become a stay-at-home dad, I haven't had time for even one of my famous all-night extasy binges with Linsey Lohan and Dick Cavett. and that sucks.

But enough about my problems. I'm sure you're not interested in my life. So, back to Anna Nicole Smith, Jesus and Britney. (I haven't had anything to say about Britney yet, but I've got her in the back of my mind.)

Jesus's DNA

While I am not a geneticist per se, I do remember some of what my 8th grade Science teacher taught us about genetics (in the "Special Progress" class at Andries Hudde J.H.S. on the corner of Nostrand Avenue and Avenue K in Brooklyn), and thus I feel fairly qualified to explain to all (both) of you what the implications would be if scientists are allowed to go in that box and get a sample of Jesus's DNA.

In my scientific opinion, one interesting thing to look at would be the make-up of Jesus's Y chromosome. I figure Jesus got his X chromosome from Mary, but his Y chromosome is interesting. The way I see it, this special Y chromosome belonged to God. It's from God's sperm.

Basically, half of all Jesus's traits came from Mary's egg and the other half came from God's love juice. Hence, if scientists can look in the Mary tomb and get her DNA traits and compare them to Jesus's DNA, then they can figure out the half of Jesus's traits that he got from God. They will probably also supoena God to try to get a DNA sample from him. Yet even if God ignores the supoena, they can still use the fancy new DNA science to find out all about God's traits. Some of the things they will be able to find out about God are: What was God's blood type? eye color? Was he black? Was he an Arab? Did he have Huntington disease? Was God Jewish?

They can do that you know. They are able to use DNA to find out if someone was Jewish. I remember reading about that recently - I think with Thomas Jefferson. I'll bet you the Jefferson story will disappear pretty quick if it turns out that God's DNA is jewish. I mean, holy Moses, that would be big news. For one thing, that would mean that God doesn't pay retail. (Its okay; I'm jewish.) It would also mean that God celebrates Hannuka (Sp?), not Christmas. I mean, I suppose he probably celebrates Christmas, but he just calls it "my son's birthday." It would also finally solve the mystery about why they let Howie Mandel host "Deal or No Deal."

The Lost Tomb of Jesus

I haven't yet seen the documentary nor have I read anything about it. Still, I do have a blog, and it is my right as an American and a blogger to publicly chime in on this controversy.

First of all, I saw a quick clip of these coffin boxes on the TV news while I was flipping channels, and it seemed to me that the Jesus coffins are only about 3 feet long. If these boxes are authenticated, it will become clear to everyone that Jesus was in fact a "little person." (I'll never understand how calling them little people is any nicer than saying midgets.) What this might mean to Christians is a bit fuzzy at this point, but I have a feeling it'll be a very big deal for midgets everywhere. Up until now, their greatest role models have been Michu, Mini-Me and the guy from Bad Santa. I don't even think they have a midget history month (nor have they merited one until this point). But now, the midgets can claim Jesus as one of their own. For any minority group to add a celebrity of his caliber to their roster, it's big. Jesus is right up there with Oprah, Yao Ming, and Tiger Woods.

I think I would like to be among the first to file the proper papers to get my DNA tested against the DNA found in the Jesus box. I think it would mean a lot to me if I found out that I was a direct descendant of Jesus, especially around the holidays. I'd probably shell out a little more this year and get a Douglas Fir, a decent sized one. And I would put up lights. I bet I'd probably do pretty well with the ladies too. It would probably be a lot like being a Kennedy at a bar on Cape Cod at 3 am.

I have as good a chance as anyone to be related. And now that I think about it, I am a very forgiving person. On the other hand, I've never really been able to grow a beard. Who knows, its worth a shot. It's like Zsa Zsa's husband said, "All it takes is a tissue sample and a dream."

Judge Larry Seidlin Cries Like My Baby

there are like ten billion blogs on this f-ing lunatic internet. thats a whole hell of a lot of redundancy. so how can i make my stupid blog stand out? i'll tell you how i can - i can't; that's how. so i'm just gonna continue writing about CANS (see previous posts).
today, the CANS corpse case judge cried. he cried like a school girl. he cried like my little baby maeve cries when she's hungry and her daddy is typing on the computie (that's how she says computer. she's only 3 months old, the little cutie).
what the hell kind of a fucking judge cries? judge ito never cried. i'm pretty sure judge wapner never cried. judge dredd absolutely did not cry. i don't even think judge reinhold has ever cried publicly. except maybe that one time when he lost his job at All-American Burger and his girlfriend dumped him the next day and then he had to wear that pirate costume for his next job.
Weeping like a newly crowned miss america contestant is not typical behavior for a veteran circuit judge who has probably seen it all in his career. But I have figured this one out. I have cracked this one wide open. You're seeing this here first. There is only one possible reason why this imbecile would cry in this nationally televised debacle. He sees this case as his big chance to break into show business and he's trying to show his range. He sees this whole thing as one huge audition. He has already tried to make jokes, to be serious, to improv, he has delivered a few prepared monologues, and now he has cried on cue. He is hoping to be the next Judge Judy. Maybe they'll call him Judge Jewie.

Stay-at-home-daddying is interesting, but...

but who gets Anna Nicole Smith's corpse is today's blog topic.

You may be employed. You may have real responsibilities or interests or perhaps a hobby. Hence you do not know about the televised hearing to decide who will take possession of the Corpse of Anna Nicole Smith (CANS). I can tell you all about these procedings. I am a stay-at-home dad. I have watched well over an hour of these procedings. I have watched as a completely incompetent judge has presided over these procedings. I know many things that you do not. I know who Shane Kelly is. You do not. I know what Judge Larry Seidlin's "vibes" have told him. You (lucky you) do not.

The first thing I should tell you is that if you were worried that they might lay CANS to rest before taking a sufficient quantity of DNA samples, you can relax. They have a few good blood samples, some tissue samples, bone marrow, and a buckle swab. You will be happy to know that CANS continues to be penetrated as often in death as she was in life.

This whole big frenzy around CANS reminds me a lot of the O.J. trial. I remember fondly the night we all watched that white Ford Bronco driving on that L.A. freeway. That night we all were mesmerized. We couldn't look away (or change the channel). And in a way, we were all happy. We were happy because we knew that we'd all have something to talk about for a good long time. Something that you could talk about with anyone, anywhere, and they'd have something to say. Isn't it great when a nation has something to talk about? I'm getting that same excited feeling again. I think our mediocre nation has waited a long time for something like this to come around again, and it is here.

By the way, Shane Kelly is the probate attorney who was appointed by the idiot judge as guardian for the case. Shane's job will be to handle everything so that the judge doesn't have to make any decisions. Judge Larry Seidlin is a bit afraid of decisions.

The big question left on everyones minds at the end of the hearing was, who will CANS be wearing at the funeral?

Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern - follow up

Following up on my previous post, I would like to explain that I am not (only) in this paternity battle for the money. I also believe that Dannielynn should be with her rightful father and be placed in the most suitable home. The two questions are: how do we determine who the rightful father is, and whose home is most suitable?

Okay, let's start with the facts.
Fact: Julia and I took a vacation to the Bahamas last year.
Fact: I took a very long walk along the beach one of the days we were there, and my whereabouts cannot specifically be accounted for during that time.
Fact: Anna Nicole Smith can be considered sexy (in a skanky way) after a number of drinks.
Fact: I am no stranger to a few cocktails in the afternoon.

Now let's talk for a moment about what is best for the little Unfortunate Suckling DannieLynn (USD). Okay, first off, I gotta believe that USD will be dead within the year if left with Howard K. Stern. Lets face it - Howie K doesn't have the best record for keeping family members alive. In comparison to me: I have been able to keep both my wife and child alive. That's a 2 to 0 win for me.

Then there's Prince Zsa Zsa's Asshole husband (PiZZA). PiZZA realizes that he has about a 1 in 5 chance that his sperm will win this battle, yet he has already chosen little USD over his wife of 20 years. This does not say alot about his sense of loyalty to family. Now lets compare me to PiZZA. I have already talked it over with Julia, and she is willing to take as much USD into our family as we can get our hands on.

Then theres the other daddy dude (ODD). Now this one is tough for me to analyze because its hard to find time to read any of the news stories about ODD when PiZZA is much funnier. So lets hold off on any ODD thoughts for now.

Finally, some are saying that USD was conceived using Frozen Oil Tycoon sperm (old FOT). Now, the only thing I have to say about this is: how the hell does that work? Is it frozen in the shape of a popsicle?

I'm At Home With This Kid - part 2

All right, its a few days later (Feb 12, not Feb 7 as it reads above) and she's napping, so I'll try to start this blog thing again.

I'm Will and my kid is Maeve (3 months old). She's a good kid. She doesn't cry at all, as long as you constantly entertain her by juggling fire while dancing and singing right in front of her. Otherwise, she's hell in a bouncy chair.

This is my first blog experience. I haven't even really read any blogs before. I don't know who might read this (or any blog for that matter) and so I'm just gonna write any old crap, and by "any old crap" I mean I really hope my wife doesn't see this.

Before I write anything about my precious little baby, I gotta share my thoughts about Anna Nicole Smith's baby Dannielynn. First, I'd like to officially announce right now on my blog that I am the father of Dannielynn (although when I get custody of her, I plan to change her name to something not so stupid).

And, I can state with great confidence that I would be a much better father than Howard K. Stern (I believe the K is actually for Killer), and I would also be a better Dad to little DannieLynn than Zsa Zsa's husband and that other dude too. 90 year old Zsa Zsa has said that if her husband brings home Dannielynn then she will divorce him - this should be put into the dictionary as the new definition for a "win-win situation."

What I want to know is exactly how much unprotected sex did Anna Nicole have in Jan of 2006? Don't most people at least pull out during the unprotected experience? Its pretty amazing that she only had two children. You'd think that she'd have a few dozen little tikes running all over the place based on her contraceptive practice of Jan 2006.

I'm At Home With This Kid

I'm here in the apartment with the kid. At this very precious moment she is taking a nap - thank god(s). So, as a new stay-at-home Dad, in order to be as cliche and predictable as possible, I'm using the only free few minutes I have to start a blog. Oh, damn it: there's the cry. I'll have to try this again later.