Friday, June 8, 2007

Paris Hilton Interview From Jail

SAHD: Paris, thank you for agreeing to see me during your visiting hour today.

PH: It's my pleasure. You have a beautiful baby.

SAHD: Thanks, she's a handful. Now, Paris, in retrospect, do you regret drinking and driving?

PH: I love Cosmohitos.

SAHD: So, how are you doing in here?

PH: Not so great. I'm really not used to staying in less than 5 star accommodations. I remember when I was filming "The Simple Life," Nicole and I had to stay in some crappy places, but at least we were able to bring a lot more of the comforts of good living to those locations than they allow here.

SAHD: What kinds of comforts do you miss most?

PH: The biggest adjustment has been not getting my daily Brazilian wax and seal-oil massage. And, they don't have bottle service here.

SAHD: I've never understood that bottle service thing. Doesn't that encourage you to drink a lot more than you otherwise would?

PH: Hmmm, I never thought about that. But its a lot better than having to constantly call a waitress for a new drink each time one spills.

SAHD: Do you spill a lot of drinks?

PH: I don't know. What do you consider a lot?

SAHD: Let's put it this way - how much money do you think you spend on spilled drinks on an average night out?

PH: I really couldn't tell you.

SAHD: Take a guess.

PH: This is fun. What will you give me if I guess right?

SAHD: How about a kiss?

PH: I knew you were going to say that. Tongue or no tongue?

SAHD: Paris, I'm married, so I'd better say no tongue.

PH: Come on, I'm sure your wife won't mind. Why don't you text her and ask?

SAHD: You know what, you're probably right. So let's say, if you guess within a hundred dollars, I'll give you a kiss with tongue.

PH: Okay, cool. So, I have to guess. This is hard..... All right - I'm going to guess eight hundred dollars. No, wait: nine hundred.

SAHD: Final answer?

PH: Yes, nine hundred.

SAHD: Exactly right!!!

PH: Seriously? I got it exactly right?

SAHD: Yup. Right on the money.

PH: That's so hot.

SAHD: That is hot.

PH: Okay then stud, You gotta pay up.

SAHD: Okay, first let me get a guard to hold the baby.

PH: Guard, Guard.

G: Yes Miss Hilton?

PH: I'd like you to hold a baby for my guest.

G: Certainly Miss Hilton.

PH: All right, close your eyes.

SAHD: Is it okay if I keep them open?

PH: No way - I'm not wearing any make-up.

SAHD: All right. You ready?

PH And SAHD: (kissing noises)

PH: Wow, you're a good kisser.

SAHD: I'd be even better if it weren't for this glass wall.

PH: I think the glass wall between us is hot.

PH And SAHD: (more kissing noises; longer duration)

PH: Let's go back to my room.

SAHD: I have a feeling that's not allowed.

PH: At least text her and ask.

SAHD: No, I mean that the prison probably won't allow us to go to your room.

PH: See, this is just what I mean about staying in a less than 5 star accomodation.

SAHD: Paris, I'm going to have to leave. I didn't bring another bottle of formula and I'm gonna have to feed this kid soon.

PH: Let's ask the guard if he can bring you some.

SAHD: Thanks, but I have a feeling that's not going to work out. I'd better get going. It was very nice meeting with you though. Thank you very much for the interview.

PH: Sure. Let's get together sometime very soon. I'll have my assistant schedule something with you.

SAHD: Sounds great. Good luck getting through the rest of your time here.

PH: You know, you're not supposed to say it that way. I know because my family is in the business. You're supposed to say, "I hope you enjoy the rest of your stay with us."

SAHD: Okay. Well, good-bye.

PH: Ciao.