Tuesday, November 1, 2011

What went wrong in the Kardashian-Humphries Marriage? Live Updates

August 20, 2011 5:15 PM - Kim and Kris are wed in a fairytale wedding, monikered "A Fairytale Wedding" by E! and exclusively taped for broadcast by the E! network. Lip readers with binoculars employed to study every word from their mouths report that Kim said "OMG! This is so awesome!" And Kris's lips were reported to have mouthed, "I still don't understand that stuff you said about selling the exclusive photo rights?"

October 5, 2011 4:04 PM - Kim and Kris stop by the ELLEN show to reenact their nuptials and celebrate their new bond to the delight of the tremendous losers in the audience. And the blissful newlyweds remind the losers in the daytime audience to watch the first part of their Fairytale Wedding Special on E! at 8/7c Sunday and to also watch the second part on Monday at 9/8c on E!

October 7, 2011 7:06 AM - First sign of trouble in the marriage as Kim goes solo on The Today Show to work on the early morning viewers and chat with Matt Lauer about her fairytale wedding. The bride shares clips from her upcoming two-part Fairytale Wedding Special, which starts Sunday at 7/8c on E! When asked about being on the show without her new hubby, Kim explains that Kris tests better with younger audiences that don't start watching until after 3 pm on weekdays.

October 7, 2011 9:08 PM - Kim and Kris appear together on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno to share the magic of their fairytale story with the nightime audience, and to remind their fans not to miss the two-part Fairytale Wedding Special on Sunday at 7/8c on E! Leno is not funny at all during the entire interview, most likely due to his inability to ever be the slightest bit funny, at all, ever.

October 11, 2011 - OMG!! This is so hot!!! The newlywed's two-night wedding special on E! was seen by 10.5 million viewers!! The most watched event on E! ever!! Kris and Kim celebrate by promoting the upcoming second season of Kourtney and Kim Take New York on E! and then Kim and Kris decide to kick back and chillax by being paid to attend a party at Cielo.

October 23, 2011 - First big fight!!! Kris questions why Kim would have her fashion line on QVC and Sears. Kris was heard to say, "Kim honey, I'm just looking out for you. You're my boo. Your line should be at Abercrombie and Fitch or at least Mandee, but QVC and Sears? Really?" This is followed by Kim's shrill screaming, "You just don't understand my brand! And if you don't understand my brand, then you don't understand me!!!" Kris calmed her down by getting down on his knees, and then gazing down at his new bride to say, "Baby, I'm so sorry. I love you so much and I really will try harder to learn all these fancy new things you're teaching me, like branding and monetization." Kim forgave him and told him to go to his room to work on smelling the remaining choices for his new fragrance due out in December.

October 27, 2011 - Second fight of the marriage!! Kris isn't getting an answer to the question, "How are we branding me? What is my brand?"
Kim: I have explained this to you a million times - you can't be a brand but you are now a part of the Kardashian brand.
Kris: But, I'm not a Kardashian. I'm a Humphries, Damn it!
Kim: You mean you're a Humphrie. You're not plural! You're singular!
Kris: You know damn well that I'm not singular anymore - I'm married! Remember the wedding, on E!
Kim: And as long as we're on the subject of your name, what the hell kind of a man spells his name K-R-I-S? That's how girls who wear pajama bottoms instead of pants to high school spell it. Men spell it C-H-R-I-S.
Kris: Your own mother spells it like I do.
Kim: You're proving my point.
Kris: Are you crazy? Your mother spells it K-R-I-S. Don't deny it.
Kim: You're a fucking idiot.
Kris: Well then your mother is one too.

October 31, 2011 - Kim and Kris agree that two fights is not at all what they bargained for when they planned the wedding for E!, and they agree that the time has come for a trial separation. Kim decides that she'll try out the trial separation by going out and letting off some steam by getting paid to attend a Halloween party at LAVO. She dresses up as Poison Ivy from the Batman movie. Kim is having a great time at LAVO and really loves her costume. She sends a tweet to her sister, "This separation is really working for me. I guess we should get a divorce." Then she gets paid to tweet out to all her followers, "OMG! I love Halloween at LAVO and my Poison Ivy costume!" And then she sends Kris a private tweet, "OMG! This separation is so awesome!" And then tweets Kris again a few minutes later, "I'll send over divorce papers in the morning. hugs and kisses :)"

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Revisioning The Blog Summit Retreat


I. Ice-breaker
Each staff member will recount an experience they have had in their lives when they contemplated suicide.

II. Trust-building Exercise
In teams of two, we will whisper to our partner our deepest darkest secret and promise not to ever reveal it to another living soul.

III. Long Speech by Jeff
Jeff will explain the entire history of our company dating back to his previous job at TMZ, and his initial discussions with Jeremy about starting a blog together.

IV. Long Speech by Jeremy
"J" will get everyone motivated with a presentation he calls Motivating the Staff, the theme of which will be "You are This Company." J will also include some advice straight from the book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, and end with high-fives around the room and then a group high-five.

V. Deciding on a New Name for the Blog
We will then all vote on a new name for the blog. The choices are:
1. Keep the current title - Bruno v. Eminem
2. Octoblog: The Nadya Suleman Blog
3. Grasshopper Chokes the Chicken: The David Carradine Blog
4. Rihanna v. Chris Brown: The Blog
5. Angelina v. Jennifer Aniston: The Battle of the Beards Blog

Thursday, June 4, 2009

A New Day, A New Challenge

Dear All,

This morning Jordie (the new Project Associate who works with Sophie) told us that the whole Brüno and Eminem thing may be a hoax. Our Research team is hard at work getting to the bottom (no pun intended) of this right now. If, in fact, Jordie turns out to be right, we will convene a second Revisioning The Blog Summit Retreat in the conference room at 2 pm today. Staff, be prepared to pull another all-nighter.

Jeremy and Jeff

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Responding to Yesterday's Commenter

Dear Anonymous,

We were so happy to receive your comment: "THERE IS NO INFO OR VIDEO ABOUT BRUNO OR EMINEM ON YOUR SITE."

First of all, THANK YOU Anonymous. Your thoughtful comment is greatly appreciated by everyone at BvE:TB. We know how much time and thought you put into your all-caps post, and we couldn't be happier to have you as a customer. And, in the absence of a Neilson-type ratings system for blogs, we hope that advertisers will see your comment as a measure of the trend we are seeing that new readers are tuning in because of our format change. It is a significant signal to us that our content is resonating with blog readers everywhere.

The staff here at BvE:TB have been sitting on pins and needles waiting to see what the public reaction would be since our launch on Monday, and it was a great relief to see your post on Wednesday. As our Assistant Director of Interaction Design said, "I think Anonymous was able to navigate our site very well. Our User Experience team should feel pretty good about themselves today." And our Sales Manager added, "I'd like to piggyback on Chandra's remark and just add that it would be interesting to get some demographic and psychographic information about Anonymous. Maybe we could write a Post today responding to Anonymous and try to get a dialogue going with her or him. Do we know if Anonymous is male or female?" "I feel like he's a dude," replied Jordie, our Project Associate on the Content team. Then Sophie, our Information Architect followed with, "I will draft something for a new post. We can call it: Responding to Anonymous."

Well, Anonymous, as you can probably figure out, we are taking your feedback quite seriously. Please continue to have meaningful interactions with our blog and stay with us on this groundbreaking adventure in New Media.


Everyone at BvE:TB

Monday, June 1, 2009

Bruno v. Eminem

Dear faithful blog readers,

Due to disappointing advertising revenues over the past twelve quarters, I am very excited to announce a new direction for this blog. From this day forward, this blog will be entirely dedicated to the feud between Brüno and Eminem. After numerous intense discussions in a series of meetings of our board of directors, it has been concluded that this move is exactly what the market wants at this time, and we expect to see significant growth in shareholder value over the next six to seven years.

This is not a move that will change things in a day or a week or a few years, but we are confident that this is the right direction to pursue in this complicated time in the blog industry. And, we at Brüno v. Eminem: The Blog (BvE:TB) know that this rebuilding phase won't be easy, but over the long run, dedicated employees that stay with the company will eventually return to salaried compensation in exchange for their work. Until that time, BvE:TB will continue to write bi-weekly IOU's to all employees (the change from semi-monthly will go into effect after the July 4th weekend). Jeff and Jeremy are also talking about issuing retention bonuses using equity in the company. More about that soon. And as was stated at the staff meeting, we will continue to provide printer paper, memo paper, as well as toilet paper and paper towels in the bathroom so long as our paper products supplier continues it's current forward-thinking payment policies.

Best to all,

The BvE:TB Management
(formerly The SAHD Management)

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Dancing with the Stars

I've learned two things from watching Dancing with the Stars:
1. That watching a television show can actually make you dumber in one sitting.
2. Mel B. turns out not to be the guy from the sitcom "Alice."

Friday, June 8, 2007

Paris Hilton Interview From Jail

SAHD: Paris, thank you for agreeing to see me during your visiting hour today.

PH: It's my pleasure. You have a beautiful baby.

SAHD: Thanks, she's a handful. Now, Paris, in retrospect, do you regret drinking and driving?

PH: I love Cosmohitos.

SAHD: So, how are you doing in here?

PH: Not so great. I'm really not used to staying in less than 5 star accommodations. I remember when I was filming "The Simple Life," Nicole and I had to stay in some crappy places, but at least we were able to bring a lot more of the comforts of good living to those locations than they allow here.

SAHD: What kinds of comforts do you miss most?

PH: The biggest adjustment has been not getting my daily Brazilian wax and seal-oil massage. And, they don't have bottle service here.

SAHD: I've never understood that bottle service thing. Doesn't that encourage you to drink a lot more than you otherwise would?

PH: Hmmm, I never thought about that. But its a lot better than having to constantly call a waitress for a new drink each time one spills.

SAHD: Do you spill a lot of drinks?

PH: I don't know. What do you consider a lot?

SAHD: Let's put it this way - how much money do you think you spend on spilled drinks on an average night out?

PH: I really couldn't tell you.

SAHD: Take a guess.

PH: This is fun. What will you give me if I guess right?

SAHD: How about a kiss?

PH: I knew you were going to say that. Tongue or no tongue?

SAHD: Paris, I'm married, so I'd better say no tongue.

PH: Come on, I'm sure your wife won't mind. Why don't you text her and ask?

SAHD: You know what, you're probably right. So let's say, if you guess within a hundred dollars, I'll give you a kiss with tongue.

PH: Okay, cool. So, I have to guess. This is hard..... All right - I'm going to guess eight hundred dollars. No, wait: nine hundred.

SAHD: Final answer?

PH: Yes, nine hundred.

SAHD: Exactly right!!!

PH: Seriously? I got it exactly right?

SAHD: Yup. Right on the money.

PH: That's so hot.

SAHD: That is hot.

PH: Okay then stud, You gotta pay up.

SAHD: Okay, first let me get a guard to hold the baby.

PH: Guard, Guard.

G: Yes Miss Hilton?

PH: I'd like you to hold a baby for my guest.

G: Certainly Miss Hilton.

PH: All right, close your eyes.

SAHD: Is it okay if I keep them open?

PH: No way - I'm not wearing any make-up.

SAHD: All right. You ready?

PH And SAHD: (kissing noises)

PH: Wow, you're a good kisser.

SAHD: I'd be even better if it weren't for this glass wall.

PH: I think the glass wall between us is hot.

PH And SAHD: (more kissing noises; longer duration)

PH: Let's go back to my room.

SAHD: I have a feeling that's not allowed.

PH: At least text her and ask.

SAHD: No, I mean that the prison probably won't allow us to go to your room.

PH: See, this is just what I mean about staying in a less than 5 star accomodation.

SAHD: Paris, I'm going to have to leave. I didn't bring another bottle of formula and I'm gonna have to feed this kid soon.

PH: Let's ask the guard if he can bring you some.

SAHD: Thanks, but I have a feeling that's not going to work out. I'd better get going. It was very nice meeting with you though. Thank you very much for the interview.

PH: Sure. Let's get together sometime very soon. I'll have my assistant schedule something with you.

SAHD: Sounds great. Good luck getting through the rest of your time here.

PH: You know, you're not supposed to say it that way. I know because my family is in the business. You're supposed to say, "I hope you enjoy the rest of your stay with us."

SAHD: Okay. Well, good-bye.

PH: Ciao.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Open letter to Angelina Jolie

To whom it may concern (only Angelina Jolie),

Now that you are going to be a stay-at-home parent, I was thinking that we should really hang out. I'm here everyday stay-at-home-parenting, and although I have only one kid to contend with, and you will have four, if we were to get together for a few play dates, it would be like one adult for every 2.5 kids, which is not so bad. I figure I can take care of Maeve (you'll like her, she's Asian) and Pax, and you can take care of Shiloh and Zahara, and we'll let Maddox watch TV, or we can drop him off at Chuck-E-Cheese (they have a room full of plastic balls that will keep him entertained for hours). It would be way too hard for the two of us to take care of all five kids, so without Maddox, we'll be fine. These are the kinds of tips I can share with you as I've been doing this a little longer than you.

Are you still breast-feeding Shiloh? If you are, that's cool, because I'm immuned to seeing that sort of thing - I saw it alot with Maeve and Maeve's mother. I'm actually pretty good at helping out during the feedings.

Also, I thought I'd mention that there are a few Vietnamese restaurants in the area that deliver in case Pax doesn't like sandwiches. By the way, you might think about changing that one's name. I have a feeling that in a few years, some of the other kids at school would have a field day with the nick-names (Tam-pax and Chicken-pax, just to name a few). We may want to rethink the Jolie as well. But we'll have plenty of time to talk about all of that later.

So, just post a comment on this page (I'll start reading the comments) and we can arrange it. Also please include a phone number in the comment, so we can "talk privately" about the kids, snack foods, diaper preferences, etc.

Monday, March 5, 2007

Howard K. Stern: "I really didn't kill Anna Nicole" Interview - March 5, 2007

SAHD: Hello Howard. Thank you for coming here and meeting with me.

Howard K: Its my pleasure. You have a lovely apartment. Would it be okay if I used your bathroom?

SAHD: Of course. Just go straight through the bedroom. You can't miss it.

Howard K: Thanks. I'll be right back.

(20 minutes later)

SAHD: Before we get started, can I offer you something to drink? Some water? juice? tea?

Howard K: No thanks; I'm fine. But can I offer you something: a valium, vicodin, perhaps a perkasete?

SAHD: Okay, maybe a perkasete.

Howard K: Here, take two.

SAHD: Thank you. So, how have you been doing since the death of Anna Nicole?

Howard K: Very busy. I can't tell you how many meetings with lawyers, business deals and interviews I've done in the past few weeks. Its been awful. A lot of hard work.

SAHD: A lot of people believe that you are a gold digger, just in this for the money, and that you aren't even Danielynn's real father.

Howard K: That is ridiculous. I don't care at all about the money. I just want what's best for my little Dannielynn. I just want to be able to take care of that beautiful baby.

SAHD: I suppose you are going to "take care" of Dannielynn the same way you "took care" of Anna Nicole and her son Daniel?

Howard K: I resent that! I took the best possible care of Daniel and Anna Nicole! I watched over them the way a lioness watches over her cubs. Its not my fault that they both took far too many prescription pills every single day and then died.

SAHD: You killed them! You killed them!! You are sinister! You are vermin!

Howard K: Calm down. I love you. Have some valium. and some vicodin. and a little single malt scotch.

SAHD: Thanks. I feel a lot better.

Howard K: Look, as one stay-at-home-Dad to another, I'd like to assure you that all I care about is the proper care and nuture of my little girl. I really didn't kill Anna Nicole and I also didn't kill Daniel. Its just a bad coincidence that the people around me tend to die for mysterious reasons.

SAHD: Great, well then, I think I've heard enough of your lies, lets wrap this up. Again I thank you for coming here and doing this. And here is your 200 dollars.

Howard K: What is that?

SAHD: Its your 200 dollars - your fee for the interview.

Howard K: My fee is two hundred thousand dollars.

SAHD: When I asked you on the phone how much you get for an interview, you said, "two hundred."



Howard K: I assumed you understood that I meant two hundred thousand. What kind of idiot are you that you would think Howard K. Stern would do an interview for two-fucking-hundred lousy dollars?

SAHD: Well, I was surprised at how reasonable it was, but that is what you said. I said, "What do you get for an interview?" and you said,"two hundred." That's exactly what you said.

Howard K: Jesus Christ! Look, everyone in the industry knows that when I say an interview costs 200, that I'm asking for two hundred-thousand dollars.

SAHD: Well I'm sorry, but 200 is all I have. And that is what you're going to get.

Howard K: Listen dude, I'm gonna fucking sue your ass. I'm suing you for everything you have. I'm suing you, your baby, your employers, Blogger, Blogspot, and Google. Believe me, you haven't heard the last of this.

SAHD: You want the $200 or not?

Howard K: Just give it to me.

Friday, March 2, 2007

Sex and the Stay-at-home-Dad

Being a stay at home Dad is not like it is in the movies. I really thought it was going to be all wild parties, spa treatments, drinking absinthe and having sex with celebrities. It turns out this is a myth, possibly put out there to trick innocent people into becoming primary care givers to small children. These cretins don't tell you about a certain hidden reality: something that I call "child care." You'd be surprised how much time I have to spend doing "child care." In fact, since I've become a stay-at-home dad, I haven't had time for even one of my famous all-night extasy binges with Linsey Lohan and Dick Cavett. and that sucks.

But enough about my problems. I'm sure you're not interested in my life. So, back to Anna Nicole Smith, Jesus and Britney. (I haven't had anything to say about Britney yet, but I've got her in the back of my mind.)

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Jesus's DNA

While I am not a geneticist per se, I do remember some of what my 8th grade Science teacher taught us about genetics (in the "Special Progress" class at Andries Hudde J.H.S. on the corner of Nostrand Avenue and Avenue K in Brooklyn), and thus I feel fairly qualified to explain to all (both) of you what the implications would be if scientists are allowed to go in that box and get a sample of Jesus's DNA.

In my scientific opinion, one interesting thing to look at would be the make-up of Jesus's Y chromosome. I figure Jesus got his X chromosome from Mary, but his Y chromosome is interesting. The way I see it, this special Y chromosome belonged to God. It's from God's sperm.

Basically, half of all Jesus's traits came from Mary's egg and the other half came from God's love juice. Hence, if scientists can look in the Mary tomb and get her DNA traits and compare them to Jesus's DNA, then they can figure out the half of Jesus's traits that he got from God. They will probably also supoena God to try to get a DNA sample from him. Yet even if God ignores the supoena, they can still use the fancy new DNA science to find out all about God's traits. Some of the things they will be able to find out about God are: What was God's blood type? eye color? Was he black? Was he an Arab? Did he have Huntington disease? Was God Jewish?

They can do that you know. They are able to use DNA to find out if someone was Jewish. I remember reading about that recently - I think with Thomas Jefferson. I'll bet you the Jefferson story will disappear pretty quick if it turns out that God's DNA is jewish. I mean, holy Moses, that would be big news. For one thing, that would mean that God doesn't pay retail. (Its okay; I'm jewish.) It would also mean that God celebrates Hannuka (Sp?), not Christmas. I mean, I suppose he probably celebrates Christmas, but he just calls it "my son's birthday." It would also finally solve the mystery about why they let Howie Mandel host "Deal or No Deal."