Open letter to Angelina Jolie

To whom it may concern (only Angelina Jolie),

Now that you are going to be a stay-at-home parent, I was thinking that we should really hang out. I'm here everyday stay-at-home-parenting, and although I have only one kid to contend with, and you will have four, if we were to get together for a few play dates, it would be like one adult for every 2.5 kids, which is not so bad. I figure I can take care of Maeve (you'll like her, she's Asian) and Pax, and you can take care of Shiloh and Zahara, and we'll let Maddox watch TV, or we can drop him off at Chuck-E-Cheese (they have a room full of plastic balls that will keep him entertained for hours). It would be way too hard for the two of us to take care of all five kids, so without Maddox, we'll be fine. These are the kinds of tips I can share with you as I've been doing this a little longer than you.

Are you still breast-feeding Shiloh? If you are, that's cool, because I'm immuned to seeing that sort of thing - I saw it alot with Maeve and Maeve's mother. I'm actually pretty good at helping out during the feedings.

Also, I thought I'd mention that there are a few Vietnamese restaurants in the area that deliver in case Pax doesn't like sandwiches. By the way, you might think about changing that one's name. I have a feeling that in a few years, some of the other kids at school would have a field day with the nick-names (Tam-pax and Chicken-pax, just to name a few). We may want to rethink the Jolie as well. But we'll have plenty of time to talk about all of that later.

So, just post a comment on this page (I'll start reading the comments) and we can arrange it. Also please include a phone number in the comment, so we can "talk privately" about the kids, snack foods, diaper preferences, etc.

Howard K. Stern: "I really didn't kill Anna Nicole" Interview - March 5, 2007

SAHD: Hello Howard. Thank you for coming here and meeting with me.

Howard K: Its my pleasure. You have a lovely apartment. Would it be okay if I used your bathroom?

SAHD: Of course. Just go straight through the bedroom. You can't miss it.

Howard K: Thanks. I'll be right back.

(20 minutes later)

SAHD: Before we get started, can I offer you something to drink? Some water? juice? tea?

Howard K: No thanks; I'm fine. But can I offer you something: a valium, vicodin, perhaps a perkasete?

SAHD: Okay, maybe a perkasete.

Howard K: Here, take two.

SAHD: Thank you. So, how have you been doing since the death of Anna Nicole?

Howard K: Very busy. I can't tell you how many meetings with lawyers, business deals and interviews I've done in the past few weeks. Its been awful. A lot of hard work.

SAHD: A lot of people believe that you are a gold digger, just in this for the money, and that you aren't even Danielynn's real father.

Howard K: That is ridiculous. I don't care at all about the money. I just want what's best for my little Dannielynn. I just want to be able to take care of that beautiful baby.

SAHD: I suppose you are going to "take care" of Dannielynn the same way you "took care" of Anna Nicole and her son Daniel?

Howard K: I resent that! I took the best possible care of Daniel and Anna Nicole! I watched over them the way a lioness watches over her cubs. Its not my fault that they both took far too many prescription pills every single day and then died.

SAHD: You killed them! You killed them!! You are sinister! You are vermin!

Howard K: Calm down. I love you. Have some valium. and some vicodin. and a little single malt scotch.

SAHD: Thanks. I feel a lot better.

Howard K: Look, as one stay-at-home-Dad to another, I'd like to assure you that all I care about is the proper care and nuture of my little girl. I really didn't kill Anna Nicole and I also didn't kill Daniel. Its just a bad coincidence that the people around me tend to die for mysterious reasons.

SAHD: Great, well then, I think I've heard enough of your lies, lets wrap this up. Again I thank you for coming here and doing this. And here is your 200 dollars.

Howard K: What is that?

SAHD: Its your 200 dollars - your fee for the interview.

Howard K: My fee is two hundred thousand dollars.

SAHD: When I asked you on the phone how much you get for an interview, you said, "two hundred."

Howard K: Yeah, two hundred THOUSAND. TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND FUCKING DOLLARS!

SAHD: BUT YOU SAID "TWO HUNDRED!"

Howard K: I assumed you understood that I meant two hundred thousand. What kind of idiot are you that you would think Howard K. Stern would do an interview for two-fucking-hundred lousy dollars?

SAHD: Well, I was surprised at how reasonable it was, but that is what you said. I said, "What do you get for an interview?" and you said,"two hundred." That's exactly what you said.

Howard K: Jesus Christ! Look, everyone in the industry knows that when I say an interview costs 200, that I'm asking for two hundred-thousand dollars.

SAHD: Well I'm sorry, but 200 is all I have. And that is what you're going to get.

Howard K: Listen dude, I'm gonna fucking sue your ass. I'm suing you for everything you have. I'm suing you, your baby, your employers, Blogger, Blogspot, and Google. Believe me, you haven't heard the last of this.

SAHD: You want the $200 or not?

Howard K: Just give it to me.

Sex and the Stay-at-home-Dad

Being a stay at home Dad is not like it is in the movies. I really thought it was going to be all wild parties, spa treatments, drinking absinthe and having sex with celebrities. It turns out this is a myth, possibly put out there to trick innocent people into becoming primary care givers to small children. These cretins don't tell you about a certain hidden reality: something that I call "child care." You'd be surprised how much time I have to spend doing "child care." In fact, since I've become a stay-at-home dad, I haven't had time for even one of my famous all-night extasy binges with Linsey Lohan and Dick Cavett. and that sucks.

But enough about my problems. I'm sure you're not interested in my life. So, back to Anna Nicole Smith, Jesus and Britney. (I haven't had anything to say about Britney yet, but I've got her in the back of my mind.)