Tuesday, November 1, 2011

What went wrong in the Kardashian-Humphries Marriage? Live Updates

August 20, 2011 5:15 PM - Kim and Kris are wed in a fairytale wedding, monikered "A Fairytale Wedding" by E! and exclusively taped for broadcast by the E! network. Lip readers with binoculars employed to study every word from their mouths report that Kim said "OMG! This is so awesome!" And Kris's lips were reported to have mouthed, "I still don't understand that stuff you said about selling the exclusive photo rights?"

October 5, 2011 4:04 PM - Kim and Kris stop by the ELLEN show to reenact their nuptials and celebrate their new bond to the delight of the tremendous losers in the audience. And the blissful newlyweds remind the losers in the daytime audience to watch the first part of their Fairytale Wedding Special on E! at 8/7c Sunday and to also watch the second part on Monday at 9/8c on E!

October 7, 2011 7:06 AM - First sign of trouble in the marriage as Kim goes solo on The Today Show to work on the early morning viewers and chat with Matt Lauer about her fairytale wedding. The bride shares clips from her upcoming two-part Fairytale Wedding Special, which starts Sunday at 7/8c on E! When asked about being on the show without her new hubby, Kim explains that Kris tests better with younger audiences that don't start watching until after 3 pm on weekdays.

October 7, 2011 9:08 PM - Kim and Kris appear together on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno to share the magic of their fairytale story with the nightime audience, and to remind their fans not to miss the two-part Fairytale Wedding Special on Sunday at 7/8c on E! Leno is not funny at all during the entire interview, most likely due to his inability to ever be the slightest bit funny, at all, ever.

October 11, 2011 - OMG!! This is so hot!!! The newlywed's two-night wedding special on E! was seen by 10.5 million viewers!! The most watched event on E! ever!! Kris and Kim celebrate by promoting the upcoming second season of Kourtney and Kim Take New York on E! and then Kim and Kris decide to kick back and chillax by being paid to attend a party at Cielo.

October 23, 2011 - First big fight!!! Kris questions why Kim would have her fashion line on QVC and Sears. Kris was heard to say, "Kim honey, I'm just looking out for you. You're my boo. Your line should be at Abercrombie and Fitch or at least Mandee, but QVC and Sears? Really?" This is followed by Kim's shrill screaming, "You just don't understand my brand! And if you don't understand my brand, then you don't understand me!!!" Kris calmed her down by getting down on his knees, and then gazing down at his new bride to say, "Baby, I'm so sorry. I love you so much and I really will try harder to learn all these fancy new things you're teaching me, like branding and monetization." Kim forgave him and told him to go to his room to work on smelling the remaining choices for his new fragrance due out in December.

October 27, 2011 - Second fight of the marriage!! Kris isn't getting an answer to the question, "How are we branding me? What is my brand?"
Kim: I have explained this to you a million times - you can't be a brand but you are now a part of the Kardashian brand.
Kris: But, I'm not a Kardashian. I'm a Humphries, Damn it!
Kim: You mean you're a Humphrie. You're not plural! You're singular!
Kris: You know damn well that I'm not singular anymore - I'm married! Remember the wedding, on E!
Kim: And as long as we're on the subject of your name, what the hell kind of a man spells his name K-R-I-S? That's how girls who wear pajama bottoms instead of pants to high school spell it. Men spell it C-H-R-I-S.
Kris: Your own mother spells it like I do.
Kim: You're proving my point.
Kris: Are you crazy? Your mother spells it K-R-I-S. Don't deny it.
Kim: You're a fucking idiot.
Kris: Well then your mother is one too.

October 31, 2011 - Kim and Kris agree that two fights is not at all what they bargained for when they planned the wedding for E!, and they agree that the time has come for a trial separation. Kim decides that she'll try out the trial separation by going out and letting off some steam by getting paid to attend a Halloween party at LAVO. She dresses up as Poison Ivy from the Batman movie. Kim is having a great time at LAVO and really loves her costume. She sends a tweet to her sister, "This separation is really working for me. I guess we should get a divorce." Then she gets paid to tweet out to all her followers, "OMG! I love Halloween at LAVO and my Poison Ivy costume!" And then she sends Kris a private tweet, "OMG! This separation is so awesome!" And then tweets Kris again a few minutes later, "I'll send over divorce papers in the morning. hugs and kisses :)"